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On Friday I turn 23. Usually, I love my birthday & look forward to it with great anticipation. But this year, I would really like it to past me by. There are several reasons for this. One: the plans I had going fell through & I can't even make a big deal out of it bc the person the plans were with is going through something unimaginable & it's selfish of me to be upset. Two: my other best friend lives to far away for me to visit, so I won't be spending my birthday with the people I most want to spend it with. & prehaps the biggest reason: I thought I would be in a relationship right now. On my 22nd birthday I was supposed to meet the love of my life. That didn't happen & I was crushed. It hurt really badly. Then over the summer, two possible relationships just disappeared & that made the feelings worse. I had thought the hope of finding the one was gone, but now as I creep closer to 23 I realize, it was just buried. I really thought I would meet someone. Now I'm going to turn 23 & be just the same as I was at 22 &21 &16 & every single age. It sucks, a lot. & I don't really have anyone to talk to about everything I'm feeling right now. It's too much to share. I have the best friends, but I feel so vulnerable even trying to discuss this. I'm supposed to be past these feelings, but how can I be? All I've ever wanted was to find my soulmate. & I truly thought I would. It hurts. It just really hurts. I don't understand. I'm trying to be patient & put things in perspective & be happy as I am, work on myself. But it's just a shell. Because I truly do not understand.


So that guy I had the mixed signals with? Just found out he broke up with his gf. It bothers me how much I care. Because he has made his decision several times & I'm never it. A part of me feels like he's scared bc I'm black & he's white. But even though I'm going to stress about this, I don't want to develop any romantic feelings, bc he is going to do the same thing. I don't want to be third best, he's had his chance. He made his bed, so now he'll lie in it.

Jun. 25th, 2014

It was all a lie... It hurts too much to describe, but it feels as if my soul was laid bare & then scrapped with a dull blade. For 9 months I held hope & dreamed and wondered, but now I know it was all a lie. Tomorrow will be the last of it. I'll go to my staff meeting, meet no one & that'll be it. I think I'm ugly. Men are not attracted to me. I will be alone forever. The pain & shame & anger blend until I'm filled. There is no more hope to be found.


May. 27th, 2014

Loneliness has been eating at my soul. I held hope for 9 months. I'm done.


May. 25th, 2014

Sometimes, I am just so sad. I hate being lonely. I hate that I had an incredible weekend, but bc I didn't meet a guy, I feel so let down.... Story of my life...


May. 22nd, 2014

It's my birthday... Finally 22, today starts the countdown, from now one every day I don't meet someone is one day my reading was crap. I really hope that is not the case. I'm hoping I meet a wonderful guy soon. Fingers crossed.


Tomorrow is my first day of work.. I'm definitely nervous, not just because of the information & starting a new job with new people & a new environment.. I cut my hair on Saturday. Another big chop, so I've got a boy cut & it's hard bc it's not what I'm used to, but I will be ok. I just need to remember that no one knows me, so if I act normal, it will be normal. Hopefully I won't even notice it after a while. Today was also Mariah graduation, I didn't go bc she didn't invite me. I feel bad but it was out of my hands, I figure if she wanted me to go she could've texted. I'm not a mind reader & it also isn't my job to initiate everything. Sometimes I feel like that but there's nothing I can do. My birthday is in a couple of days... My fingers are crossed.. We'll see. Hopefully, my reading comes true. I want it more then anything..


May. 10th, 2014

I honestly think I'm going to obsess myself out of a relationship..


I hope I meet someone soon..


Sometimes, I feel like I will never know what it's like to be in like, lust & love.




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