It was all a lie... It hurts too much to describe, but it feels as if my soul was laid bare & then scrapped with a dull blade. For 9 months I held hope & dreamed and wondered, but now I know it was all a lie. Tomorrow will be the last of it. I'll go to my staff meeting, meet no one & that'll be it. I think I'm ugly. Men are not attracted to me. I will be alone forever. The pain & shame & anger blend until I'm filled. There is no more hope to be found.
Loneliness has been eating at my soul. I held hope for 9 months. I'm done.
Sometimes, I am just so sad. I hate being lonely. I hate that I had an incredible weekend, but bc I didn't meet a guy, I feel so let down.... Story of my life...
It's my birthday... Finally 22, today starts the countdown, from now one every day I don't meet someone is one day my reading was crap. I really hope that is not the case. I'm hoping I meet a wonderful guy soon. Fingers crossed.
Tomorrow is my first day of work.. I'm definitely nervous, not just because of the information & starting a new job with new people & a new environment.. I cut my hair on Saturday. Another big chop, so I've got a boy cut & it's hard bc it's not what I'm used to, but I will be ok. I just need to remember that no one knows me, so if I act normal, it will be normal. Hopefully I won't even notice it after a while. Today was also Mariah graduation, I didn't go bc she didn't invite me. I feel bad but it was out of my hands, I figure if she wanted me to go she could've texted. I'm not a mind reader & it also isn't my job to initiate everything. Sometimes I feel like that but there's nothing I can do. My birthday is in a couple of days... My fingers are crossed.. We'll see. Hopefully, my reading comes true. I want it more then anything..
I honestly think I'm going to obsess myself out of a relationship..
I hope I meet someone soon..
Sometimes, I feel like I will never know what it's like to be in like, lust & love.